1. I am a writer.  It doesn’t matter what I write (unless it’s genre fiction, in that case I am a deluded fool that needs to be re-educated) or even the quality of said writings; by virtue of being in the company of other writers, I am a writer.  Do not dare tell me otherwise.  After all, writer’s egos are notoriously fragile (comes from wallowing in all that angst) and we mustn’t discourage the next Great Author of our time from gaining greater perspective of human nature by hanging around with others who are equally disconnected with reality (except when writing poetry about their ex).

2. All Great Authors are published in an anthology.  This is the best way to judge what is literature and what isn’t – if it’s in an anthology it is literature and the author is worthy to be heralded as a Great Author.  Please note that the phrase Great Author should be repeated multiple times to drive the point home through all those deep thoughts writers concern themselves with.  If the audience falls asleep while reading said Great Author that is only because they cannot comprehend the magnificence of the piece or are unable to take an objective viewpoint.  If the audience praises the piece unendingly and searches for the deep and hidden meanings between paragraphs then they too stand a chance of being in an anthology and receive an A for the semester.

3. Writers should ignore boundaries.  Anything is within their scope of writing – all human experience (which is what writing is all about) is accessible for their stories.  Writing should comment on everything and draw deep insights from everyday experiences, such as the pie I had for lunch.  All things have cosmic significance to the Great Author and all writings by said Great Author will therefore transcend any barrier or boundary.  Also, you should be able to write from any viewpoint of age, ethnicity, or gender.  Writers should ignore conventions and seek to push the expectations of what can be written about and what can’t, especially if that boundary is sex.

4. Writers should only write what they know.  A writer who steps outside their sphere of personal experience is in danger of looking like an idiot when they write about Japanese culture and aren’t from Japan.  Research is only allowed to substitute for first-hand experience when you are a Great Author.  Under no circumstances should a writer attempt to write about another ethnicity group, especially if that group is considered a minority and the writer isn’t a minority.  That’s being a bigot as no white person could ever hope to understand, much less write about, a minority group and the oppressions that they suffer.

Oh, and we don’t know who James Clavell is.


5. Think outside the box.  This can be accomplished in two ways: writing something that seeks to explore aspects of human experience that are not normally explored or writing about sex.  The first method is reserved for Great Authors, as young writers are too busy with angst and thinking deep thoughts to challenge themselves.  Sex is the best option for any writer as all great stories involve sex, and if they don’t, then surely there’s some erotic imagery in there that can be discovered.  For example, Virginia Woolfe was obviously making sexual references with those candles in “The Kew Gardens.”  

As sex is a controversial topic make sure you push it just a little bit further so the audience will be squirming in their seats and wishing they could gouge out the brain cells which are unwillingly recording your words.  Some good examples of uncomfortable topics are: incest, lesbian/gay sex to a straight audience, adultery, sex every other paragraph, sex with tires, children having sex, and of course, sex with dogs.  Make sure that sex is the focus of the story and is described in great detail – this is the mark of a talented writer.  After all, surely no one has thought to ever write about sex before, and if they did, it’s still a fresh and new topic and is an immediate cliché-buster.

6. Genre fiction is a no-no.  Only stories that have been published in an anthology are great pieces of literature and there are no genre fiction anthologies out there.  Or, if there are, we don’t know about them and therefore there isn’t a market for that kind of stuff.  Science fiction and fantasy are both genre fictions and therefore are not literary.  Plus, when a story takes place in a fantasy or science fiction world the plot is usually the focus of the story instead of sex, and we all know that sex is what makes a story great.  Fantasy and other genre fiction characters are usually one-dimensional in the sense that they usually do not think about sex nearly as much as the characters of Great Authors.  Also, deep and meaningful human truths can never be accomplished in a fantasy setting and it’s not literary without deep and meaningful insights into human existence.  Writers should be creative, but only when that creativity is grounded in the real world.  Magical realism is allowed but keep in mind that magical realism doesn’t actually involve magic and is published in anthologies.

Oh, we don’t know who Asimov, Heinlien, or C.S. Lewis are either.  Tolkien we know only because they made those movies.

7. If you have had some tragic occurrence in your life – such as an illness, handicap, are an immigrant, or were born a minority – you must write about this almost exclusively.  After suffering at the hands of injustice and oppression it is your duty to enlighten the ignorant masses through your literature.  All writing must make deep and meaningful commentary about society and the treatment of your particular group/cause in said society.  Make sure to include attacks against your oppressors – especially if they are rich or white.  Subtlety is not needed for these stories.  Repercussions from offended individuals are to be ignored; they’re just showing their ignorance and prejudice.  After all, you were oppressed and suffered and now this is your way of striking back against the enemy.  Of course they’re going to try to point out flaws in your writing and attempt to bring up different points of view for discussion and consideration.  It’s their way of keeping your message suppressed.

8. No piece of literature can be over-analyzed.  After all, it is by a Great Author, and all Great Authors keep in mind every literary theory or perspective that literature ever is, was, or will be interpreted through in mind while writing.  That is why they are a Great Author.  It’s never the audience’s personal experience that’s going into the interpretation – the Great Author wrote his/her story so that all theories (even that one about the cosmic significance of food symbolism) can be applied and are correct.  Bonus points if you can uncover the Freudian repressed memories and/or the libidos of the author within her own/his own text.

9. A Great Author plans everything.  There are no coincidences in great literature.  With that in mind, an aspiring author should take as much care and dedication when planning the story as those guys in Mission Impossible did when they stole the computer chip.  If the preliminary stages of brainstorming plot, imagery, symbolism, character’s name, character’s uncle’s pet’s histories, clothing color choices, and repressed memories takes any less than two weeks, the story is doomed for failure, or at least to not be published in an anthology.  Remember, writing is about hidden symbolism and deep meaning, not entertainment, and certainly not about getting the story actually written.

Oh, and our due dates only exist because the university expects us to have them.

10. In summary, to be a Great Author, it is best if you spend your time surrounded by other aspiring Great Authors, reading anthologies and discussing sex and other deep and meaningful facets of human existence, such as how cherry pie reflects upon your latest breakup.  God, excuse me, higher power forbid that you actually spend your time writing – you are a writer – you have more important things to be doing.